Thursday, July 24, 2003 @ 05:07am | Entry no.276 | 2 am phone calls ||   mood    tired and in pain   || ||   music    beethoven's first symphony   || Fuck. Hmph. I just had a 90 minute conversation with my sweetie that started at 2 in the morning. The damned bastard woke me up and threw off my sleeping schedule. Now I'll go back to being awake during the night time, and sleeping during the day. I was going to make him stay up with me, since I won't have anything to do, but he had work in the morning, so I let him go. Anyway, there was lots of talking about everything, and things are somewhat resolved. Still have the urge to run, but it's lessened now. Hopefully, he'll just pipe down about the things he's been telling me, although in our conversation, some of the things were making the siren in my head go off. I'll have to gag him. Wait, no he's kind of kinky. Nevermind. He asked me why I never seem to show affection. Well, I do, but I'm not overly affectionate. It's just not in my nature. Well, it is, but for some reason, not with him. I mean for example, with Chadwick, and Mattie, I was entirely touchy-feely with them. I still am, just two weeks ago, I molested Mattie and got molested by him. I guess it's just easier to flirt when you know nothing's going to come out of it. I'm just not at the same point in the relationship as him. Which really bites because it's not fair to either partners, but if he'd just let me play catch up instead of putting me in an awkward situation because I can't return the sentiment. I told him that I'm still very guarded with my emotions. There's trust in our relationship, but just because of my past with guys, I can't trust him fully. It's not because of something he's done, it's something that every male before him has done. I've gotten hurt before because I think the other person can do no wrong, and in the end, my heart winds up getting shattered and I get to spend the rest of my life trying to forget the pain that was inflicted. I know that It's not fair to him and I have the feeling that if it were any other guy that I was in a relationship, I wouldn't question him. I'd just be able to accept them as they are, and trust everything that they tell me. And I don't know why this is. There's just something about him that throws me off, like ((sighs)). I don't know what it is. There are just too many circumstances right now. And I keep trying and trying to just be happy and just accept things as they are, but my head is vehemently vocal in protesting against this relationship. Every fiber in my body is just screaming to end this relationship now before either of us gets too attached and wind up hurting each other. There are so many other topics that I want to touch upon, but with my shoddy memory and seeing how I had just woke up when he called. I don't remember all of them right off the bat. I should probably just try and talk to him and be completely candid, because it'd be the right thing to do. I mean, don't get me wrong, I enjoy spending time with him, and he makes me smile, but there's is just something, something that isn't sitting right. And that's what's holding me back. Ugh, it's late though. And I should probably try and get some sleep. But before I leave, I just wanted to include this. It turns out that Mike actually follows up on my journal... and recalls thing from my journal that I don't even remember. But yeah, he had this to say: DELETED (3:36:15 AM): God if you were my GF and I read your journal, id want to piledrive you whoISchipRjones (3:36:22 AM): why? DELETED (3:36:43 AM): because you talk about what you want to do with other guys! and kissing em and stuff...id want to kill you Lovely. ((shrugs)) Oh, speaking of kissing other guys, I told my sweetie about kissing Pat. "Okay...." was his reaction. Then he told me about his little escapades on Monday, and then asked me if I was jealous. I wasn't really. Another sign that something's screwed up in my relationship. Okay, I was a little bothered. but I usually get insanely jealous of any girl who encroaches on my property, but not so in this case. I'll usually go into this jealous rage, and want to have a little "talk" with the girl to straighten her out, and then I'd have a "talk" wit him. Heck, they don't even have to be my boyfriend, and I'm still jealous when I hear about other girlies.((ahem)) It's not that I don't care about him, although maybe I should question my own feelings for him some more. Blah. I'm really leaving now. <33 toodles. unburden your soul  ( memory/edit )

Thursday, July 24, 2003 @ 01:59pm | Entry no.277 | ((poof)) which way did he go, george, which way did he go? ||   mood    rushed   || ||   music    music?   || Gone to Jersey for the week. Not sure if this is a good thing or not. Sorry Mike, no time for pictures! ((muahz)) and Derek, ceadsearc, know that I'm thinking of you, and you'll always be a lovely soul. Remember that. Beautiful. ((hugs)) Everyone else... well. I'm not sure if there is anyone else who reads this journal. Gosh, I just hope that people notice I'm gone. Leave me lots of love, even *if* you don't have a blurty ((ahem)), just drop me a little comment. The little ego boost'll be nice. <33 toodles. ( 4 ) deep dark secrets revealed  unburden your soul  ( memory/edit )